2 sides of a coin
by Perfectly Vain
Summary: A joint POV for Kougaiji and Yaone whose pride and composure are getting in the way of their feelings... R/R ^-^


AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a new version of "Solitary Confinement" that I wrote ages ago... Now I made a better version. This is a Kougaiji/Yaone pairing, but even if you don't 'approve' of that pairing please read this, it's worth reading. Though I guarantee that it would be a bit confusing, if you don't read the whole thing. I usually dedicate my fics to some ppl... but I'm still wondering who this fic is for... R/R  
  
LEGEND: "..." quotes; ... thoughts; [...] see 2nd author's note  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki. And the song "Open up your mind" English translations (dunno from who and where I got it...)  
  
  
  
Two Sides of a Coin [1]  
  
  
"Demo... Kougaiji-sama," she tried to protest. Kougaiji just looked at her, taking in that beauty for a while before replying,  
  
"No." he said, firmly. "You stay here, have a rest." He added in a more gentle tone, before looking away.  
  
Yaone looked at her master, who was sitting quietly on the balcony staring out on to the open, "As you wish." Yaone bowed discreetly and left her master's presence.   
  
Kougaiji scowled at himself, I'm damn pathetic. he glared at the reflection, he never told anybody that Yaone is precious to him. He wished to show her... he just couldn't...  
  
She doesn't like to disturb anybody, especially Kougaiji. She would support him in every way she can.   
  
// Even when it seems that nothing can go right  
and you want to just give up,  
if you close your eyes,  
you can see the world from your heart.//  
  
If only, Kougaiji thought as his hands clenched in frustration and desire, If only...  
  
For her, it was genuine loyalty...   
  
// In this world when life can be so tough  
You must be strong  
Just believe in yourself and don't you fear  
So open up your mind and close your eyes  
Take another look from the other side //  
  
She sighs, she's used to it now. Always wearing a mask of happiness, her smile... her cover. She had never known genuine happiness... unlike others that she knew... She always smiles, happy for others... but all she gets are her own tears. She is a deceiver, of her own self and others. In truth, she was always jealous of those who found genuine happiness. She deceived herself, thinking that she's not worth it...  
  
// Even on a lonely night, when you wander afraid,  
you may be alone now, but  
your feet can take you however far you want to go, so //  
  
His pride, composure... damn those things, he thought angrily, I'll never get anywhere with them. He was tired, tired of hiding, lying and deceiving himself and her. He never liked to send her out to missions, but it's the only way to keep her happy. He wanted her to be happy, as her missions were everything to her. He's contented with her smile...  
  
She pondered at the question: "Why are you so loyal?" Why? she thought, as she walked through the corridor. Her inner self always asked the same question. She always... ALWAYS just ignores it. She always thinks that he deserves somebody... somebody who is much better that her...  
  
// Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,  
look inside yourself, there's a shining light there.  
Yes, I want you to believe in everything.  
You can take another look from the other side //  
  
Somebody had asked her, "What do you gain from it?" I'm happy just to be at his side... even if he doesn't really see me... I'm perfectly fine with it... besides... who am I to complain? This is my version of happiness...  
  
Or is he? He scowled again, the others tried helping him. But he refused their help. Pride? Yes, partly, but not wholly. He knew things would change if he told her... he was scared about what would happen if things changed...  
  
What happiness? her brain echoed. Come to think of it, she never gave a second to think about herself. She fooled herself, thinking that she wasn't important. That Kougaiji should always come first. She was too disciplined.  
  
// Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.  
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.  
Yes, if you have the strength to live,  
You can take another look from the other side,  
until you find all that is love... //   
  
Kougaiji always watched her, and he loved her deeply. He tried hinting, but it was very discreet, he never had the courage to tell her. He'll do anything for her...   
  
"Why don't you look for somebody else?" Nonsense, Kougaiji's the only one for her... there is nobody else. I don't give a damn about others.  
  
He knew he was being stupid. He was scared, of both changes and rejection. All he could do was watch and dream with growing regret on each day. He's tired of his cowardice.  
  
Loyalty... or is it just plain stupidity? No, she thought, shaking her head, I'd give my life for him... I have no regrets... I'll serve him forever.  
  
// I wish for you to have the strength  
to make it through this world,  
so open up your mind,  
and you'll be able to see... //  
  
It's sad and pathetic... yes, that's true... everybody tells her to just tell him how she feels... not just admire him from afar and be trampled by others. That's easy for them to say...She can't. Who was she to tell him how she felt? Nobody. What was her position? A follower, never a lover. Rejection... she was always scared of it... that's why she keeps a distance... what can she do? She was scared to be rejected and make a fool out of herself. At least she still has a bit of her pride in herself, she scoffed.  
  
Pride is everything, huh? Kougaiji scoffed and stared at his reflection.  
  
// Just remember you are not alone  
So don't you fear  
Even though you're miles away  
I'm by your side  
So open up your mind and close your eyes  
I'll be there for you no matter where you are //  
  
"Are you scared of rejection?" Yes... [2]  
  
"Why? " I don't know... she thought. It's just that... I just know that I'm nothing to him... "How do you know?" It doesn't matter how I know... she thought angrily, It doesn't matter because it's me... I'm nothing... I'm a nobody... and will always be a nobody...  
  
I love her too much... I don't want to hurt her, he thought, I'd rather be unhappy than seeing her smile falter...  
  
// The stars may live for a long time, but that doesn't mean  
that the same days will repeat over and over forever.  
No one can see into tomorrow. //  
  
Mother... Kougaiji thought, as he stared at the inert visage of his mother's face, What do I do? Only if you could see how pitiful I had become...  
  
She was once told a story... a story that burned deep into her... A young man liked a certain somebody, but was too scared to tell her. Then, she left him. He never told her that he liked her. Then, he found out that she liked him too, but from a friend's mouth that news came to him. He had always regretted all those time for not acting... if he had... then everything would have been different... but it was too late...  
  
// Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,  
look inside yourself, you'll feel a heartbeat.  
Yes, I want you to believe in the future.  
You can take another look from the other side. //  
  
What could she do? She knows he'll never return the feelings that she has for him. What would she gain by telling him? Humiliation... and rejection... more pain and sadness.  
  
He'd readily give his life for them. Mother, Dokugakuji, Lirin, and Yaone... "Important things..." he absentmindedly repeated what Nii had said before.   
  
Painful? Of course. But she was used to it. If her own happiness means the sadness of others, she'd rather be unhappy instead. She always thinks of other people first... She's used to it now...  
  
// Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.  
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.  
Yes, there's another world out there.  
You can take another look from the other side,  
and you'll be able to find all that is love... //  
  
She had always been alone... nothing could change it.  
  
He hates being alone...  
  
// Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,  
look inside yourself, you'll feel a heartbeat.  
Yes, I want you to believe in the "future."  
You can take another look from the other side //  
  
I don't care if I'm unhappy... I'll always be loyal to him... even if it makes me cry...  
  
Yaone, he thought, I'll never make you cry...  
  
// Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.  
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.  
Yes, there's another world out there.  
You can take another look from the other side,  
until you find all that is love... //  
  
  
~OWARI ;-; *sniff* lol  
  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE (part II): [1] well... abt the title, my teacher always said to balance an essay, ne? So it's 2 POVs in one fic... [2] this is from both of them... sad fic, ne?   
@-@ I still have no idea why I wrote this fic... but I support Kougaiji/Yaone... Why did I write this?? *Shrugg* Maybe I just wanted a new challenge for writing a fic... anyway, R/R ^-^ 


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